Infomaniacs Drama Club

Author: Gavril Marius-Gabriel
Characters:
1.Santa Claus - Alexandru Girigan
2.Alaska (Santa’s wife) - Andreea Luca
3.Rudolph, the blue nosed reindeer - noname
4.The Letter Keeper a.k.a. Kippy - Dan Apavaloaie
5.The Little Pickle Evil Dwarf;
6.Mailman - Ovidiu Muntean
7.Narrator - Radu Luchian
Number of scenes: 8
Starting date: 26.07.2004
Finishing date: 30.07.2004

Act I
How it began

Scene I

Narrator: Once upon a time, when “The Infomaniacs” decided to put on another play and when sushi was in every vegetarian’s menu, lived a young handsome man by the name Santa Claus. He was a very active person (as the Narrator is talking, Santa is sleeping like a baby, while sitting on a chair); you could always find him working in his very comfortable chair.
As I was saying this young, handsome man, who was approximately 103 years 9 months 26 days 5 hours and 23 minutes old, had a lovely wife, called Alaska. She was beautiful, but not too bright-Poor woman!!!…
These two had a child, called Rudolph. He was a strange child, if you ask me, with his HUGE antlers and especially with that blue nose of his…But, anyway, why should I care, right?

Scene II

One day, while Santa Claus was working very hard, he received a letter. This was no ordinary letter, it was “The Letter”, a letter which would give him super human powers, making him immortal and, of course, invincible. You can order your very own letter on your TV Shopping Channel for only 39,95$.
Mailman: “Mail call!!!”
Santa: “Oh, goody! My letter for supernatural powers has finally arrived!”
Mailman: “Sign here please!”

ØSanta signs the receipt.

Mailman:“OK, here you go!”
Santa: “At last! I can now do the things that a normal human being can only dream of. Things like drinking beer, eating chips and watching TV, ALL AT THE SAME TIME !…But first, I’ll take a short nap, ‘cause I’m tired of all that work which needed to be done…Kippy!!!”
The Letter Keeper: “Behold the great powers of The Letter Keeper! Bow and worship the great and almighty Letter Keeper!!!…”
Santa:”Ho-ho-aha-aha-aha-bleahhh!”
The Letter Keeper: “Jesus! You gotta cut down on the weed, man!!! …Who dares to call for The Great Letter Keeper?”
Santa: “Yo, Kippy! Chill out, man! It’s just me!”
The Letter Keeper: “I say! Stop calling me Kippy! It sounds as if I’m your pet! …”
Santa: “Yeah! What ever you say…Kippy!!”
The Letter Keeper: “Aaarghhhhh!!! …I hate it when you do that! …

ØSoon, Rudolph interrupts their conversation.

Scene III

Rudolph: “Hey, pops!”
Santa: “Ho-ho-ho-aha-aha-ha-ha-bleaahhh!”
Rudolph: “Jesus! You gotta cut down on the weed, dad!”
Santa: “Arrghhhh!”
Rudolph: “What’s up, Kippy?”
The Letter Keeper: “Hey! Watch it! You are not allowed to call me Kippy! In fact, no one is allowed to call me Kippy… Stop calling me Kippy! Everyone! …And what’s that blue thing on your nose?”
Rudolph: “Dude, that is my nose!”
The Letter Keeper: “Wasn’t it supposed to be red?”
Rudolph: “No way, man! You are mistaking me for someone else! That’s my cousin, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer; he’s the leading engine of my father’s Ferrari sleigh … Plus… my nose was red too, but I had it pearced and it got infected, so I had the pearces removed and my nose stayed blue, after all I think it gives me a bit of class, don’t you think so?…“
The Letter Keeper: “Oh! …OK! … Yeah,… shure what ever you say, but stop calling me Kippy!!!…”
Rudolph: “So, dad! I was wondering…You know how much I love you…! …”
Santa: “Yeah-yeah! How much,… and what do you need it for…!”
Rudolph: “I wanna buy a new car…”
Santa: “A new car? But what happened to…Oh, never mind! …How much?”
Rudolph: “Oh, not much! Just 1 Million $ …”
Santa: “What? Are you insane ?!? …What are you buying, a Rolls Royce?!? …”
Rudolph: “No! I’m buying a Ferrari…”
Santa: “THAT’S MY BOY! …”
Rudolph: “Thanks, pops! I’m out of here!”

Scene IV

The Letter Keeper: “So, why have you summoned The Great And Whise Letter Keeper?!?”
Santa: “Oh, yeah! I have a very important mission for you! I want you to keep hold of this important letter until I finish sleeping…working. Remember: Guard it with your life!!!”
The Letter Keeper: “Yeah-yeah! What ever! Give it here! I’ll be gone now. I shall return with the letter after you finish sleeping!”
Santa: “Working!”
The Letter Keeper: “What ever! …I don’t know what’s gotten into him! He acts as if this letter contains I don’t know what superhuman powers that normal people just dream about, powers they could easily obtain by ordering such a letter from the local Shopping Channel! Hmmm! …I shall put this letter where no one will find it! There you go!”

ØHe places the letter under a rock.

Narrator: “What an incredible place to hide a letter. Have you thought much before coming up with this idea? Jesus! … Hey, who do I see over there? Oh my God! Is that who I think it is? Yes! … It’s…it’s…it’s…Drew Barrymore! …Oh, no! Wait. Oops! My mistake! It’s just The Little Dwarf!”
The Evil Dwarf: “The Evil Dwarf, not The Little Dwarf! You nincompoops! You can’t even remember a name…! He-he! ”
Narrator: “Shut up or you’ll get it!”
The Evil Dwarf: “I don’t want to shut up! Why shut up? It’s a free country, isn’t it? …”
Narrator: “I warned you! …Suddenly, The Pickle Dwarf starts running like an idiot and trips over a rock, falling hard on the ground!…Ahhh! I feel so much better now!”
The Evil Dwarf: “You nincompoops! I’ll get you! You’ll see! You had it coming! …Wait a minute! What do we have here? Hm-hm-hm! Is this what I think it is? Yes, it is! It’s Santa’s magic letter which he bought for only 39,95$ and which he gave to The Letter Keeper to hide, but that nincompoop hid it under a rock, thinking that no one will find it there! …Hm-hm-hm!”
Narrator: “Hey! Wait a minute! How do you know all that!? You’ve been peeping into my script again, haven’t you!?!”
The Evil Dwarf: “Now way! I just guessed…! What? Can I help it if I’m psychic? …Why are you looking at me like that? …What? Don’t I look like an honest man?”
Narrator: “Yeah, right! And I’m Santa Claus!”

ØSuddenly, Santa Claus appears out of nowhere.

Scene V

Santa: “Ho-ho-aha-ha-ha-ha-bleaahhhhh!”
The Evil Dwarf: “Jesus, man! You…”
Santa: “Yeah-yeah! I know! I should cut down on the weed! Yeah! …”
The Evil Dwarf: “Actually, I was going to tell you how you should get some treatment for that cough!”
Santa: “Oh…OK!”
The Evil Dwarf: “And, by the way, your soul is mine!!! …”
Santa: “Dude, what did you just say?”
The Evil Dwarf: “I mean, your letter with superhuman powers is now mine…Haa-ha-haa!”
Santa: “OK! If you say so… I’ll just order another one!”
The Evil Dwarf: “No! No! No! You have to act more dramatic if you want to win anything in this contest,maybe even an Oscar, huh?…! Try this way: <> Do you catch my drift?”
Santa: “Oh! You mean like this?: <> “
The Evil Dwarf: “OK! Now that’s what I’m talking about Hm-hm-hm!… Now!?!…why don’t we try that again? Hm-hm-hm!”
Santa: “Oh, my God! No! Not the letter! Please! Not the letter! Anything but that! Please!”
The Evil Dwarf: “Beg as much as you want! I still won’t give you the letter…Haa-ha-haa!”

ØHe talks as if he were a super hero or something, after which he starts runnig as if he was flying.

Narrator: “Oh, my God! He just ran away with the letter which contains superhuman powers!”
Santa: “Hey! How do you know all that?”
Narrator: “I’m supposed to know all that…I’m the narrator!”
Santa: “Oh, OK! In that case, can you tell me what do I have to do next? …I kind of forgot! …”
Narrator: “I don’t quite remember! Refresh my memory!…”
Santa: “Yeah,… suck the life right out of me why don’t you?!? Here…”

ØSanta hands the Narrator 5$, as a tip.

Narrator: “Coming right up, sir! Let me just check the script…This is the fifth scene, right?
Narrator: “Aha! Here we are! You are supposed to call a family meeting in the next scene!”
Santa: “Thank you very much! I don’t know what I would have done without you…”
Narrator: “Oh, shucks!”

Act II
The treatment

Scene I

Santa: “Well, here goes nothing…Jee, I wonder who is the owner of this 1000$ note I found!…“

ØSuddenly, everyone rushes into the room screaming: ”It’s mine! It’s mine!”

Santa: “OK, troops! I have good news and bad news!”
Alaska: “Start with the good news because I have to wash the dishes…”
Santa: “OK! Well, the bad news is that my letter with superhuman powers got stolen…!”
Alaska: “Yeah! Tough luck! And what’s the good news?”
Santa: “The good news is that I know who took it!”
Rudolph: “And who dares to steal from my father? Who did it? …”
Santa: “The butler did it!”
Rudolph: “Really?!?”
Santa: “No! I just felt like saying that! The real thief is none other than The Evil Dwarf!”

ØAt that point, everyone acts surprised, after which Rudolf says:

Rudolph: “Who is The Evil Dwarf?
Santa: “Never mind The Evil Dwarf, we’ll deal with him later! Now we have other business to attend to…with the person who lost the letter in the first place…”
Rudolph: “Let me guess: the butler?”
Santa: “No, silly! The Letter Keeper!”
Rudolph: “In that case, I’ll call for him…Oh, Great Letter Keeper show yourself!…~NOTHING HAPENS~ Oh, Great Letter Keeper, show yourself!…~STILL NOTHING~ Oh, Great Letter Keeper, Show yourself! …”
Santa: “You’ll never make him appear by calling him that way! You gotta be softer,…put some passion into it,… like this: KIPPY!!!!!!”
The Letter Keeper: “I say! You don’t have to shout! I’m not deaf, you know!”
Santa: “Yeah-yeah! Have you brought my letter?”
The letter Keeper: “Yes, I have! It’s right over here…”

ØHe looks under the rock, but as he realises the letter is missing, he starts to panic

The Letter Keeper: “Oh, dear God! I can’t believe this! Someone stole the letter! The horror!!!…The horror!!!…”
Santa: “Oh, stop veining, you fool! …I’m sorry, but we’ll have to give you…THE TREATMENT!!!”
Rudolph: “Oh, no! Not the treatment!”
Mailman: “Oh, no! Not the treatment!”

ØSuddenly everyone looks at him in a bad light, after which he feels embarrassed and leaves.

The Letter Keeper: “Not the treatment! Please! Please! Anything but that!… The horror!… The horror!…”
Santa: “OK, troops! Let’er rip!”

ØAt that moment, everyone starts making that annoying sound with their lips, you know… as if they’re not listening to what you have to say.

The Letter Keeper: “Nooooooooo!!!!!!”

ØHe runs away screaming. This was his last act.

Act III
The final countdown

Scene I

Santa: “Come with me, and together we’ll save the world from cavities!”
Rudolph: “Are you OK, pops?!?”
Santa: “I mean come with me, and together we’ll teach that Pickle Dwarf or whatever his name is, a few manners”

ØSuddenly, The Evil Dwarf appears.

The Evil Dwarf: “It’s The Evil Dwarf, you nincompoops The Evil Dwarf! Not The Little Dwarf, not The Pickle Dwarf! The Evil Dwarf! Repeat after me: EVIL!”

ØAnd they all repeat like retards.

Santa: “I’m here to teach you a lesson!”
The Evil Dwarf: “Bring it on!”

ØHe challenges Santa to a “one on one” fight.

ØThe two start fighting in slow motion.

Rudolph: “Dad, are you all right?”
Santa: “I’m fine, son! I have to get the letter back!”
Alaska: “Oh, yeah? And how are you going to do that?”
Santa: “By using a special method that I’ve been practicing for years! Just watch this!”
Alaska: “In case you don’t make it back, can I have the Ferrari?”
Santa: “Don’t worry! I’LL BE BACK!”
Rudolph(blowing his nose):“Now there goes a brave father!”

Scene II

Santa: “Look! What’s that over there?”

ØThe Evil Dwarf looks and Santa snatches the letter from his hand.

The Evil Dwarf: “Hey! That’s not fare! You tricked me!”
Santa: “Now you will witness the incredible force of the letter”

ØHe opens the letter but nothing happens. He finds a small note inside and he starts crying on the floor.

ØSoon, everyone takes a peek on what is written on the note and they all end up crying on the floor.

Santa (after he gets a grip of himself): “Should we show them?”
Rudolph: “Yes! They deserve to know!”

ØSo, Santa shows to the public the reason why they were crying: a note on which it is written The end.

The End!

"Stan, what did I tell you about watching the Osbournes? It's going to make you retarded!" -- Stan's Mom